Parents, Do Try This At Home (BARRY BUCCANEER: 2001)

With your permission, I’d like to use this public forum to register my deepest sympathy for the family of the 13-year-old who tried to barbecue his own self, per the popular MTV show Jackass. At the same time, I thank the Almighty for letting the kid live, thus making it possible for me to say “What a Jackass!” without remorse. As radio talk show host, Phil Hendrie, put it, when you have a show called Jackass, you don’t even need a disclaimer.

Come to think of it, we’re all Jackasses in this country (present company excluded, of course). Really. Oh! We aren’t? No, think about it; ‘Caution; slippery when wet,’ ‘Keep hands away from moving parts.’ Ring a bell? How about a long one like ‘This side of the sponge is very abrasive and may cause souring on delicate kitchenware.’ How ‘bout that? Huh? Do reasonable people really need these rather condescending warnings? As animals, aren’t we supposed to be of higher order? The ubiquity of such warning signs was cause for great distress inside of me during my first year in these United States.

It was in the middle of one such pensive moment that I called my Dad back home and said “Dad, they are strange people, these Americans. They can send a man to the moon but they have to be told that hot coffee is deadlier than hot lava, when placed between a person’s thighs.” Folks, I was in a real quagmire at the time.

On a recent trip to the country of my nativity, I was boarding a bus when I bumped my head against the door or something. Of course the passengers expressed their sympathy, but when the bus took off, they started making comments alluding to what an idiot I was for not watching my step, ostensibly erroneously assuming that I was a foreigner (because of my dreadlocks) and did not know the lingo. Such is the attitude towards idiocy and irresponsibility back home. My people have no patience for idiocy.

Speaking of lingo, Otweaa is an expression in my native tongue that has no simple English translation. My best translation of the expression would be “Serves you right.” “Otweaa” is what one says to another whose idiocy and/or irresponsibility lands him/her in trouble or causes bodily harm to him/her. Needless to say, I’ve heard the word said to me many times, especially from my parents. You see, back home, if you burnt yourself by trying to lift a hot pan without protection, your mother would probably keep chanting “Otweaa” whilst administering first aid. And if you were foolish enough to try to sue the manufacturer, the judge would probably say the same thing to you. My own cousin almost drowned once by swimming outside the safe area at the beach. The life guards rescued him, resuscitated him, and gave him a good whipping at his father’s (my uncle’s) behest. We don’t play back home.

There’s also a show on MTV called Senseless Act on Video. Now if a kid got injured trying one of those stunts at home, wouldn’t it be fair to describe that kid as senseless? Or not? Of course, one could make the argument that the kids are still in their proverbial “young and stupid” days. True, but my people have laid down disciplinary measures that enable young people to drop the ‘stupid’ label real quick. And it works. For instance, corporal punishment. In other words, the simple use of the much-dreaded whip to get a growing child to walk the narrow path to responsibility and righteousness (spanking). Even the Bible says “Those who spare the rod hate their children.” (Proverbs 13:24).

Am I advocating corporal punishment? Well if that’s how you would put it, yes. All I’m saying is that the method works when used sparingly. In fact, in school and back home, if a person was going to get whipped, we would say that individual was going to get ‘laid’, because the teachers used to lay us on tables and whip us. So, when that American kid vandalized the cars in Singapore, there was a national call back home to “Lay Fay”, for Michael Fay was his name. Call it savage, but folks, it works! And it does not screw you mentally like shrinks tell you. Look at me, despite ( in fact, because of) all the caning that I endured at 13, I was reading Newsweek and 13-year-olds brought up in a civil manner are torching themselves.

As regards this particular 13-year-old Jackass wannabe—damn it, he is a jackass for real—a radio personality commented that the boy’s father should be grieving more for his son’s stupidity than his injury. Of course that is some mean crap to say, but the guy’s got a point, y’know. No matter how this may sound, I pray to God that the kid gets better. In the meantime, ask yourself if at 13, you had the state of mind to have set yourself ablaze or even worse, killed your playmate, all because of what you saw on TV. If the answer is “yes,” go get a handicap permit from the State of Florida.