My War on Terror (BARRY BUCCANEER: 2001)

Governor Ridge, I know I’m not American and all, but I believe I speak for the American people when I say “you guys are killing me!” What! “Be afraid but don’t be very afraid. Look but don’t touch. Smoke but don’t inhale. Inhale but don’t exhale.” I know you mean well and all, but what the hell is going on in this land. Now we’re being asked to report suspicious packages. Yes, I understand the need to report a suspicious package to the authorities. I really do. What I don’t understand is the definition or description of a suspicious package. Is it an unmarked box or what? That’s how they ship Viagra, as you probably know. In any case, lying on my desk right now is what I consider to be a very suspicious package. I shall presently proceed to describe it, and you tell me the level of suspiciousness with which you will ascribe it.

This package, it came by mail a week ago, and it’s a letter from a lady calling herself Citibank Visa. This lady is asking me that if I don’t pay her an amount of 2,537 American dollars, she would send people after me. How suspicious is that? Now, you got to understand something, I have never met this Visa person. I only know he’s a she because I may have spoken with her on the phone once or twice though I have no specific recollection. Even if I did, would that be reason enough for her to be harassing me this way? Would it? Obviously, she knows where I live. Hell, she’s been sending me letters for Jesus Christ’s sake. She even knows my social security number. How suspicious is that? Huh? How suspicious is that?

On that particular letter, she mentions places like Macy’s, Starbucks, AMC Movie theaters, Amoco, Sports Authority and Pep Boys, with corresponding dates and American dollar amounts. I would be less than candid if I didn’t mention that I actually know these places of which she speaks. The scary thing is that I was actually at these places on those dates, so this lady is obviously stalking me. How scary is that? Huh? How scary is that? Granted, I’m not the best-looking guy on earth so any lady stalking me should flatter me, right? Wrong? Not even when she’s demanding money, it ain’t. My favorite security analyst on Rivera Live warns that dates are very important to terrorists. With that in mind I put two and two together and I came out with 19. I was at Macy’s on August 23rd, exactly 19 days before the terrorist attacks. I was also at Sports Authority on September 2. In other words, 9-2. 9 minus 2 is 7. The word ANTHRAX has 7 letters. How’s that for a coincidence? As my favorite security analyst cautions, nothing is a coincidence when you’re dealing with terror.

You may find my musings amusing but I don’t, OK? I don’t. Are you familiar with kidnappings and blackmails at all at all? Are you? Well, let me tell you something about kidnappings and blackmail, tough guy. It just so happens that the modus operandi of kidnappers and blackmailers is to ask you to pay a certain amount of money or face the consequences. Isn’t that exactly what Ms. Visa is doing here? She has threatened to send collectors (whatever the term means) if I don’t pay up, hasn’t she? Yes, I may be making something out of nothing. Yes, the white powder found at the American embassy in the Netherlands turned out to be cocaine—go figure—but I’m not taking this thing lightly. Next thing you know, Ms. Visa will be calling my house and stuff.

Normally, I would have taken this lightly but this is the third time the lady is writing to me. The first two letters were before September 11(weren’t we all innocent then?) Besides, my people have a saying that only the fool allows you to step on his testicles three times. If you’ll pardon the expressiveness of the expression, I believe it is most expressive in this situation. In fact I do believe that your people have a similar expression: three strikes and you’re out. No? Of course that wouldn’t make any sense to my people because my people don’t play baseball.
In fact, back home, we wouldn’t even be having this discussion because packages could mean something totally different there. Packages back home are much more anthropomorphic. It stands for something you actually have on your person. Mystikal the rapper would describe it as “what you’re working with.” How do I make this appropriately succinct? Gimme a minute…OK, here’s a scenario. Persons like J-Lo, Beyonce, and Mya would be considered to be carrying suspicious packages; packages worthy of further investigation, if you will. Do you now understand what my people mean by packages? If you still don’t understand, I’m sorry but I give up. Whew!

Let’s get back to my suspicious package (within the context of terrorism). Considering this clear and present threat to my way of life, I have decided to do the proper, wise and civic thing to do. I am turning over this suspicious package to the federal authorities. I am not equipped to deal with this problem. This is a situation that can be best held at the federal law enforcement level.
So Mr. Ridge and Mr. Ashcroft, please clamp down on this Citibank Visa character. If you contact me, I can give you her New Jersey address. A simple restraining order would be nice. Come to think of it, a restraining order would be very nice. As I have previously mentioned, I know I’m not American and all but I also know that you, Mr. Ashroft, are a God-fearing man. We’re all God’s children. No? I also hear that this mysterious lady operates with different aliases like Mastercard, Discover, etc.

In the words of the Washington Post employee who was exposed to Anthrax, “Thanks, Osama.” Thank you very much.