Me Stupid Foreigner (BARRY BUCCANEER: 2001)

These are strange days. For us foreigners, these are very strange days, no? Especially for us foreigners living in South Florida, these are very very strange days. President Bush says he is going after terrorists and those who harbor them. South Florida has been an involuntary host to these monsters. I guess even the devil enjoys South Beach. We have wined with them and dined with them even if they do not like to pay their bill. And that is not even the scary part.

The scary part is that these guys may have actually dated South Floridians. These are strange days because I have been in this country for four years and I have never seen this country in such a big group hug. Additionally, these are very strange people we are dealing with. The names we are hearing sound Moslem; some would say they sound foreign. That is what makes these days very strange. These are the days when some Americans have suddenly become the enemy within to other Americans. Some may have just been looking for an excuse to purge the country of “foreign” types.

In these days when even bona fide Americans who look “foreign” are being harassed, we the real foreigners are trying hard to stay in the good books of the INS. If there ever was a time when the American people would support mass deportation, that time would be now. Time was, when it was cool to be a foreigner, no? Those times now seem like the times of yore. Those were the times when it was sexy to have a foreign accent. Full – blooded, sixth generation Americans have been known to fake foreign accents in order to get with this or that person because that individual had been rumored to lean towards people with foreign accents. I remember a diamond ad where a French guy whispers sweet nothings to a lady, to which she responds, “I don’t know what the hell you just said, but keep talking.”

Way way back in the real days of yore, in the days of when the west was still “discovering” the world, adventurers to the East brought back tales of beauty and beasts. They spoke of jewels and spices and albino giraffes. Some of the outright lied, no less the famed Marco Polo who wrote a book describing the world. I have heard of cultures where men offer their wives to guests. Please do not email me, I have not yet located these cultures of which I speak. Now I am trying to find the line where “foreign” ceases to be “exotic.”

Here, I speak the language fluently, but for the first time this summer, I found myself in a land where I did not speak the language fluently. That was a foreign experience for me, and that was an epiphany. I took comfort in the fact that foreign accents are supposedly considered exotic everywhere. In fact, I guess foreigners themselves are considered intriguing everywhere. I don’t know what percentage of Americans have been to foreign lands but, judging from the percentage of Americans with passports, I’ll say not many.

Let me tell you something about foreign lands. I know some parts of the world where you Americans would be considered total wierdos for not appreciating a sheep’s eyeballs and other balls (wink, wink) in your soup. My experience as a foreigner has given me patience for those who don’t share my tongue, in terms of language and taste.

It is tough being a foreigner, man. It is tough, it is intriguing, it is revealing. I have seen foreign sisters come here and culture-shocked by the fact that some of their adored body parts ain’t so hip in these parts, no pun please. I have personally had the inevitable “do you guys live on trees?” types of questions. You know, stuff like that. Some have been genuinely ignorant and others have in jest, but they say the most sincere things are said in jest. But that is cool with me. You know, that’s cool. The story is told of a British lady who was scheduled for a job interview Stateside. Before the interview, she was “advised to wear a skirt. No pants please” You didn’t get that. Did you? Never mind.

I admit, we foreigners get away with a lot that you Americans could not. I am acquainted with an individual who received a ticket for driving without insurance. In the courtroom, he had the effrontery to call the police officer a liar and submit his student health insurance card to his honor as proof of his insurance. The judge freed him. What was he to do? Here was a really stupid foreigner. He thought it would be immoral to send a person that ignorant (pronounced “stupid”) to jail. Now, an American would never get away with that.

I am the exact opposite. I am not the type of foreigner that acts conveniently stupid. I am the type of foreigner that IS stupid. And I love this country, so please do not kick me out. Please do not take it out on this stupid foreigner. I would help you catch these slimy murdering bastards that visited this evil if I could, and it would not be for the $25 million reward. A million would do fine.

Can America maintain its civility in the face of this extreme provocation? It has happened to Asian-Americans, it has happened to African – Americans; today it is happening to Arab-Americans. Racial profiling is not hyphenated American problem. Racial profiling is an AMERICAN problem.