Bathroom Humor (BARRY BUCCANEER: 1999)

Ladies and gents, what I hate about working in a small office is that you can safely narrow down to 2 people (plus or minus 1), your next door neighbor in the bathroom … and that is a very disturbing statistic. Especially disturbing when one of the two on the shortlist is your boss.

The bathroom has become an indispensable part of our civilization. A place of solitude: Be you a student or faculty, probably the only solitude that you would have in a workday. Back in the day, they used to do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. That had to be a blast. A place of relaxation: I’ll take an OJ with me if society would permit me. My dad reads two full newspapers per session. Personally, I prefer tabloids such as the Buccaneer to the spreads such as the Herald. So unwieldy, they could blow my cover. Did you know that only in America is a bathroom called a bathroom? Back home we got many polite ways of saying “defecate.” Maybe “ease oneself” or “backfire.” In my mother tongue, to say “I’m in the bathroom”, we would say something like “I’m on a tree” or I’m in a meeting” and folks, most of the time, it lasted as long. And back home, eating, shaking hands or even pointing with the left hand is considered rude and disgusting because the left hand is reserved for wiping purposes.

A famous actor (his name escape me presently) on Jay Leno recounted his experience at the White house. An experience that included close encounters with Bill Clinton in the ‘white’ room’. So here he was leaking right next to the President of the United States and of course it had to be uncomfortable. Here, I’m assuming that most women have heard that men’s bathrooms have separate devices for No. 1 and No. 2, and the one for No. 1 isn’t extremely private. If you haven’t seen it, check it out. I don’t think there’s a law against women entering a men’s bathroom for educational purposes. I mean, really, what kind of conversation would you have under such circumstances with the president? A notorious one at that! Words must be carefully measured in order not to say something below the belt. Always look straight ahead. Most men would quickly wash their hands and leave; an activity seldom performed by most men, in the absence of a witness. Even when it is performed, things could get complicated. Look at it this way: you bump into a person coming straight outta the loo and if you’re anything like my effervescent self, you instinctively extend a hand. On one hand, if it’s dry, you know that he didn’t clean up. On the other hand, a moist palm is too chilling an indicator of where that person has been.

So, really, what would you do or say if you were this particular actor (I’m still trying to remember his name). What! You’re gonna pretend you haven’t noticed the president? We’re talking about a man with a nuclear trigger in his hands. At the same time, you want to keep all allusions above shoulder level. “Nice speech” wouldn’t work, the diversion is too obvious. Another story is told (by Time magazine) of a summit between the president and the Pope, where one of the bathrooms on the premises read “PRESIDENT AND HOLY FATHER ONLY” Thank God they never had to meet (and I resist the temptation to venture a conjecture of a conversation between Bill Clinton and Karol Wojtyla in a place like that. I resist it). So (ostensibly heeding my advice), the actor looks Bill in his face and says “Nice Goatie.”

I still don’t get why they have to put a full five inches of space under the bathroom door. Plus a half inch on each side and for a man my height, the walls are too short. What? So you can know it’s occupied? Isn’t the lock enough? What if someone recognizes my shoes in my time solitude? “Hey, Kobina! Yanni here. After you, bro.” I don’t like the smell of that. Personally, I DO NOT want to know who’s in there; Hence the first sentence. Keep the mystery.

PS: TOM HANKS! That’s who it was